I’m Here For You

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Need a shoulder to lean on? Someone to listen to you vent? Do you feel alone, and as if no one can hear your cries for help? I’m here for you.

Since the age of eleven, I have been battling anxiety and depression… I am nineteen years old now, turning twenty next year in February.

Given my illnesses, I know what it is like to think that no one cares, and that everyone is against you. I can also totally relate to the feelings of not wanting to get out of bed, and not wanting to go out there and face the world.

My anxiety seems to take pleasure in beating my soul up, by filling my mind with irrational, obsessive thoughts, which can cause one to feel so… terrified. And my depression likes to grab my head and push me down into the water, leaving me flailing around helplessly until numbness creeps into my body.

More than often, I worry about what others think of me; what to do the next day and how to get it all done within a period of twenty-four hours without losing my mind; when to get this and that finished; and so much more.

Anyway, I’m saying all of this, because I want to let you know, that you are not alone.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), major depressive disorder (MDD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or any other kind of mental illness… you are not alone. A great number of people, myself included, can relate to what you are going through. True, we all have our own battles to fight, and very different ones at that. No one’s situation is exactly the same as another.

But that does not mean that we cannot comprehend one another’s struggles. There are people have been in a similar situation as you; not all, but at least some.

And whether others believe it or not, mental illness is as valid as physical illness. In spite of how discrimination and stigma are still prevalent when it comes to mental illness, it’s not all in your head! Some people just fail to understand.

Helping others is one of my passions. It is truly wonderful to know that someone out there is feeling better, going places, and living the dream, and you have played a part in it. I go out of my way to try and brighten other people’s days, whether it be by giving them a sincere compliment, or offering advice regarding one of their problems, or simply listening with compassion and understanding as they open up about the hardships that they are faced with.

So if you, a family member of yours, or a friend is having a rough time at the moment, and would like to talk about it… I’m willing to listen. My inbox is always open.

 

CONTACT DETAILS

Instagram: AMaeSLove

Messenger: Arianna Mae Lovendino

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What’s New?

I have not been on here in a while.

With the amount of workload that I have been getting done, it has been a challenge for me to remember to make posts on here on a regular basis, or at least occasionally.

It was my birthday not so long ago (Monday, February 18); I turned twenty. To be honest, if I were not doing much on that day, I would have most likely spent much of my time crying, because the fact that I am no longer a teenager is a huge deal for me.

Fortunately, however, I was busy at the time, with church and work… Yes, work. I have a job nowas a creative writer at a museum. My first day on the job was also my birthday.

Pretty awesome birthday present, huh?

For my twentieth birthday, there was no grand celebration; just a simple one, really. On Sunday (February 17), I ate with family and relatives at Kanin Club, at which was the restaurant that I decided that we eat, mainly because I was eager to eat their Dilis Salad again. Other than the salad, which was spiked with vinaigrette, tomatoes, onions, and cilantro, I did not eat much.

The others, on the other hand, devoured almost everything in sight. They ordered Kare-kare, Sinigang na Hipon, Sizzling Pusit (squid), and much more. These tasty Filipino dishes were among my favorites (minus the squid; I’m not very fond of it). But I just didn’t have much of an appetite at the time.

Anyways, it was a wonderful night. I especially enjoyed getting to see my cousins again. For me, hanging out with them is like a stress reliever, a grace period in which I forget temporarily about my problems.

At the moment, it is 11:51 a.m. Thursday here in the Philippines. I didn’t wake up too early today, but I will have to go to work later in the afternoon. Then at night, I will accompany my mother to church; afterwards, we will meet with my cousins and eat out once more, hopefully this time at Tempura or a similar eatery, as I’m craving Japanese food right now.

 

I hope to post more often from now on, perhaps at least twice a week. In truth, I have not been devoting much time to writing poetry recently either. But that will change.

Feel free to check out my recent post: I Was Blind.

 

How has everyone here been doing? How’s your week going so far? Anything interesting going on in your life lately?

I Was Blind

You somehow always managed to make me weak

It was a feeling I experienced in my knees

My heart sank to my stomach; I struggled to see

The numerous wrongs you have done to me.

 

Blinded by the strong love I had for you

I was led astray from the harsh truth

My ears heard their words, but my heart and mind

Failed to comprehend their words of advice.

Overcoming a Difficult Time In My Life

It is not uncommon for calamities and tragedies to take place in this world. A great number of people die every day. Many of us experience illness at at least one point in our lives. It is sad; however, it is also something that is important to accept, because all of us, for as long as we are alive, deal with problems.

I am nineteen years of age, turning twenty next year in February. Although I am quite young, it does not mean that I have not been faced with adversities or struggles. I say this, because I know that some people out there believe that young people do not have much experience. But I disagree. I uphold the opinion that, no matter how young an individual is, he or she may have acquired a great deal of experience, learning valuable lessons from the situations that they have been through. Regardless of age, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, and the likes, people can struggle.

My life is not the type of life that many would enjoy living. It is boring and dull. However, my ordinary life does not make it a life that is free of pain and strife. In fact, I have been battling certain illnesses for around eight years now. Back in around 2013, I was diagnosed with major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and social anxiety.

But my mental health issues are not what I have overcome. Not yet at least. One problem that I have managed to overcome was bullying. In elementary school and junior high school, I was made fun of, picked on, and taken advantage of. I was known by my classmates then as a quiet but kind and sweet girl. My mother tells me that it was my introverted, shy personality that made me an easy target for bullies.

At first, the bullying did not get to me. I was able to go to school every day, with a smile on my face and my head held high, and carry on with my daily activities as if nothing was wrong. It only began to affect me during the start of seventh grade.

My so-called best friend at the time was very friendly and smart, but at the same time… she possessed qualities that most found unappealing. She was charming yet manipulative. Popular yet not in a good way. One could also say that she was kind, but it was the type of kindness that did not seem genuine. It felt… insincere. As if she was being nice to everyone just to get something that she wanted from them.

She would drag me around the school like a doll. She would grab my wallet and take some money without asking for my permission. She would pull on my hair, which seemed enjoyable for her but was painful for me. There was even a time when she and I were sitting beside each other, talking about random things. At one point, I mentioned the name of her crush back then, to which she responded by slapping my face so hard that my glasses flew from my face and landed on the ground around ten feet from where we were.

We do not talk with each other anymore. In fact, we have not spoken for quite a while now. But every once in a while, I find myself thinking of her, wondering about how she is doing, what she is up to, and what interesting events have recently taken place in her exciting life.

And sometimes, I ask myself, ‘Why didn’t you stand up for yourself, Arianna?’

 

Fortunately, I no longer experience bullying from those around me. On the contrary, everyone has been treating me with kindness and respect lately. As of today, I am in my first year of college, taking AB Communication. I do not attend classes in a classroom setting anymore for a number of personal reasons which I prefer not to discuss. Instead, I am tackling online studies, but I plan to return to regular school in the near future.

I am grateful for the LORD Almighty God, my family, and my friends who have been there to support me during my times of trouble. If there ever comes a day when I experience bullying again, I will not run away this time. Neither will I remain silent.

But knowing my worth, I will stand up for myself.

 

If you are being bullied, please do not hesitate to speak up. Being bullied can be a traumatic experience, and, if it persists for a long period of time, can result in low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation and loneliness, all of which can have a negative impact on people’s lives. It is best to seek help as early as possible before it gets worse.

And most importantly, please remember to be kind, not only to others but also yourself. You yourself deserve your own affection and love as much as everyone else.

My Heart

My heart craves for your touch every day
Never do I not long to see your face
Although in my dreams, I see you for awhile
I prefer to see you again with my own eyes.

My heart yearns for the taste of your lips against mine
If I had a chance, I would go back in time
To the day we shared our very first kiss
We were both in love; it was a moment of bliss.

I do not know what caused your feelings for me
To fade like a candlelight ceasing to be
Tears sting at the corner of my eyes
At the thought of you having someone else as a wife.

All I know is, though, that you used to care
Despite how our trials were difficult to bear
But just as the seasons change, people do the same
My once happy heart, has been put to shame.

Selfless Love

Will this pain ever cease to exist
Within the depths of my heart?
Will I ever again feel bliss
And be healed of my scars?

Or will I continue to feel this pain
For as long as I live in this world?
For the grief I face each & every day
Is becoming harder to endure.

I hope you are in high spirits right now
Perhaps with another girl at this very hour
As long as you’re happy, though, that’s fine
In truth, I’d rather see you smile than cry.

Because I would lay down my life for you
I would run hundreds and hundred of miles
Just to hear you laugh a laugh that is true
For I love you much more than I love life.

Love Does Not Hurt

They say that love hurts, that loving can cause one pain
But that is not true; what truly hurts is rejection,
Aloofness, and abuse in every kind of way;
Betrayal, lies, unloyalty, and loss of affection.

Just like how you have caused me misery
You said before that you would never leave
But in the end, you merely abandoned me
Without caring that I’d no longer have company.

But even if you and I are not meant to be
I will always love you entirely
For although there can be other men to see
It is you alone whom I wish to call ‘Baby.’